One of the many great joys of my partnership with Beloved B is getting to watch her settle into herself. For the first few decades of her life, parental influence, Christian culture, and a desire to please others drove most of her decision-making. Nowadays, she’s doing the hard internal work of asking herself what she actually values, believes, and wants. It’s beautiful to witness, like her changing her glasses style for the first time in a long time, asking herself, “How does B in this decade want to present herself to the world?”
As I’ve been finding more stability in this past year, thanks to mindfulness, meds, and therapy, I am similarly coming to a crossroads now. For decades, I made decisions based on avoiding my bipolar and psychotic symptoms and perceived limitations, such as leaving the workforce or defaulting to traditional relationship structures. I was so wrapped up in my grief, shame, and mental instability, things like my ambitions, curiosities, and interests, took a backseat to just getting by. Now that I’m managing my dysfunction better, now that I’m feeling free of the guillotine, I can start asking myself, “What does Stable Tyler want/need/hope for?”
Here are some questions I find myself pondering:
What is a reasonable day for me?
What are my short-term and long-term goals?
What activities do I want to commit my time and energy towards?
What do I want each significant relationship to look like?
How do I want to treat strangers?
What is my relationship to animals and the natural world?
How do I interact with myself?
What am I confident I can do while still maintaining my mental health?
What influences are driving my choices?
What do I really value and believe?
That last one is crucial. For so long I was making choices from a place of delusion, fear, and self-protection. Now, I can work towards self-realization, leading with my values and beliefs. Thank goodness.