The other day a friend texted me, “I’d really like to hang one-on-one sometime soon.” My ego shouted, “FINALLY SHE IS GOING TO CONFESS HER LOVE FOR ME,” and The Witness laughed, knowing in my heart that this conversation would instead be the next step in reconciliation. Last spring, amid seasonal mania and a concussion, I had a conflict with this friend, which led to me lashing out and making some pretty hurtful choices. As part of working the Emotions Anonymous Twelve Steps, I had reached out to make amends and this friend, compassionately, was ready to have the necessary, difficult conversation.
As I’ve been making strides in my recovery, I have utilized many tools—therapy, medication, mindfulness practices, etc—to manage my bipolar symptoms. But working the Twelve Steps this past year might’ve been the most pivotal. What I realized was holding me back all these years, I told my friend on our walk last Sunday, was this ever-accumulating pile of shame and grief. I couldn’t address the main culprits of my dysfunction—childhood trauma, mood swings, suicidal / homicidal ideation, and anger outbursts—because I was buried under this immense burden of feeling hopeless and unworthy that, with each episode, each conflict, each day stuck in the couch, grew heavier and heavier.
Through working the 12 Steps, I was able to break my shame and grief down to workable parts and finally be able to address my core concerns. It all started when I spent all of last June in a recovery center. Within the first couple days, I began attending daily EA meetings and was gifted a 12 Step packet with writing prompts for each step. Each morning, I’d work on a few, spending any spare time throughout the day gushing to the blank page. In there, without real world distractions, I was able to do the most honest and vulnerable work of my life.
At the beginning of this year when I was gearing up to make my amends with Step 8 and 9 in the outside world, I remember my therapist asking if I was nervous. I was anxious in a helpful way, but nervous, nope. To my notebook, over the last 8 months, I had bared my soul. Amends were a late crucial step in this journey. It was those early steps, especially Steps 4 and 5, when I listed my fears, character assets and defects, and resentments, that really opened things up for me and melted so much of that accumulated burden of shame and grief.
From there, I felt much more free to settle those grievances through forgiveness and amends. I was finally able to have a family therapy session with my parents, getting answers to some lingering trauma-related questions and being honest for the first time about how some of their choices affected me. I was finally able to make a plan with my support system on how to manage my symptoms and episodes. I was finally able to apologize, directly and genuinely, to the folks I had harmed along the way. The Steps granted me the permission and the space to process all that had been weighing on me.
Like any program, Emotions Anonymous and the Twelve Steps has its flaws, but I’m a big believer in “take what you need and leave the rest.” I have no doubt I would not be in the position I’m in, healthier emotionally and mentally than I’ve been in two decades, if not for working the Twelve Steps. For the first time in my adult life, I love myself again, I am not afraid of myself, and I feel in control of my own life. I can actually manage my symptoms because there is less emotional baggage and gunk of shame and grief in the way. I can confidently continue “to carry this message and to practice these principles in all our affairs,” as Step 12 instructs. Today I am feeling grateful for this program.