America I am not your potato.
A potato has 48 chromosomes
And I have forgotten how many
I have. A potato can be cooked
More ways than I have chromosomes
Probably. My ancestors domesticated
The potato And I am mostly not
Domesticated. I leave my peels
Everywhere. I am sorry! Sweet
Potatoes are well loved all around
The world, and most folks in Switzerland
Don’t know who the fuck I am.
I am not a potato. I once heard
A shaman say you can put a raw
Potato on that, meaning on a broken
Bone, meaning to promote healing.
The only thing I promote is this
Book of poems I wrote. My mother
Told me to rub cool potato juice
On my face to cure my acne.
It got worse, and what’s the deal
With potatoes having juice anyway?
I am not a potato. I am an American.
And Thomas Jefferson introduced
The French Fry to the U.S. in 1801
But where I come from we call them
By their Christian name— Freedom Fries!
Buck fifty a plate at Friendly’s.
Agriculturalists in Europe found
Potatoes were much easier to handle
Than other crops. Except when they’re hot
Of course, which is something I guess
Potatoes and I have in common.
Another thing potatoes and I have in common:
We both are not mentioned in the Bible.
And true I always believe my mother
Who said “Son! You are what you eat.”
The average American eats 137.9 pounds
Of potatoes each year, but gracious
I am not convinced. I am not a potato.
Potatoes first became popular
When Marie Antoinette wore a crown
Of potato blossoms in a parade.
I have been popular since Josh’s German shepherd
Bit a big hunk of my elbow off
And I did not even cry one bit.
People somewhere else fought a war
Over potatoes. As far as I know no one
Has ever fought a war over me.
Potatoes are grown in all 50 states
And until 2013 I had only lived in Indiana.
Also I mostly taste awful!
Also potatoes are a powerful aphrodisiac
Says a physician in Ireland.
And that’s the last thing I need.