MORE CONTEMPLATIVE THAN RIGHT

A newsletter of poems, meditations, & reflections

“Patience is a form of wisdom. It demonstrates that we understand and accept the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time.” - Jon Kabat-Zinn

The other night, a group of my buddies came together for a night to join me at a show by my favorite active band (see MORE RECS! MORE RECS! below). We were having pre-concert dinner at Yats and I threw out the question to my modest friends—what’s the bougiest thing you do? To my surprise, everyone had trouble answering, most answers hovering around the treat-yo-self options.

To no one’s surprise, I had like seven answers. And as I have been reflecting on those indulgent parts of my life, I realize how all of them are related to self care. After my suicide attempt, many of my old methods & approaches fell away, replaced by a gentler & less gripping handling of the chaos inside me. To get better meant being better to myself.

For over a decade, I clung to a lifestyle of intense pleasure seeking, an insatiable quest for distraction & relief from my psychotic & grieving mind. It was outward facing, hunting for answers & balms outside of myself. With these bougie self-care methods, I stopped with all the band-aids—the booze, the fast food, the promiscuity—& turned to things that I could incorporate into the healing of my heart, the new relationship with my mind, & the settling of my nervous system.

I have found great wisdom & accountability over the years through apps such as Sam Harris’ Waking Up, Ram Dass’s Inner Academy, & YogaRenew’s Ether. In times of sobriety, I have enjoyed drinks like Magic Mind, kombucha, & cold teas as opportunities to settle & meditate. My main answer to my own question was my membership at SweatHouz, a contrast therapy spa with individual suites of sauna, cold plunge, & Vitamin C shower; I was a founding member when they opened last spring, & twice a week, I turn a session into sanctuary, moving & breathing mindfully for an hour.

Where once I would consume wildly, I now have been practicing intentionality through finding the opportunities & consumables that best support my joint & heal my body. I hope to practice no grasping or pushing away, just letting things be as they are. With bipolar symptoms, it is easy to fall into spending sprees & insatiability, but by being reflective like this, it really helps keep things in check.

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A little selfie in front of the awesome new local record store Take Care Records

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The Deslondes at Turntable

A couple days after my twenty-fifth birthday & only a month into my move to Austin, I went to see the band Spirit Family Reunion. Opening for them was a newer group, The Deslondes, & I was hooked from the first chord. Fast forward nearly a dozen years, & I got to see them for a tenth time, my first with Beloved B.

It was a different show—my first not in Austin, only the second time seeing them with a full drum kit / electric bass, and singer/songwriter Sam Doores wasn’t in the lineup that night due to an injury. But the fun continued, a good time was had. The opener Sabine McCalla delighted with smooth, soulful tunes showcasing her deep range.

It had been over two years since I saw the Deslondes, but the reminders of awe flooded in fast. To start the set, multi-instrumentalist John James played a traditional song on fiddle while drummer Hal played “fiddlesticks,” drumming on the neck of the fiddle with chopsticks. Then we were off with bassist Dan and guitarist Riley trading off songs, a vibrant contrast of Dan’s chill vibes & Riley’s husky country tunes, with a few songs led by Hal for good measure. The thing I noticed most about this set was Hal’s good vibes, complete with hand-hearts to the crowd & a new outfit from a vintage store next door. There’s a sincerity & presence to this band across the board that makes them so endearing & fun.

Plus five of my dearest pals came (thanks!) & there is something so special about seeing your favorite bands with buddies.

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VARIOUS PROPOSALS SHOUTED OFF THE PORCH

I propose that in order to begin, we must join
Together in one heavy sigh, ah so. I propose 

We walk together at times other than beautiful 
On a beach, maybe when it is raining or the sky

Bursts into flames, this or that god has come 
Back to smite us, or our careless ways catch up

To us finally. I propose we be as impractical 
As a cannonball in a bakery, invitations to a party

Seven years from now. I propose a motion to sing 
In response to tyranny, oppression, thick muck.

I propose every Saturday a national holiday! 
I propose we often gather around a sculpture

Of a hero, guru, or star not our own, another 
Tradition, another culture, another corner 

Of the internet. I propose we do not turn
Every invisible thought translucent, public.

I propose we save the saying for the absurd
Wishes we hope to exist. I propose we unfold 

A perspective more nuanced than progressive.
More contemplative than right. I propose

We draw a comic of a man named Scott
Who is a LARPer, but his car breaks down

So he has to take the bus to the park, lugging
His foam sword, foam shield into its own

Seat. I propose we dress as our grandfathers.
I propose we imagine if he would have assisted

Grandmother further, if that would have been
Enough to keep her alive. Or I propose silence. 

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May the world be kind to you.

May you be gentle with yourself.

May you feel connected.

May you be free.

Your buddy,

T-GOB